The pains of life

Let's just get this out there..... I had a miscarriage. Oh you didn't know I was pregnant, well, I'm sorry that you felt out of the loop but don't fret. I'm not pregnant anymore.

Miscarriage

What a word, feeling, experience......... life changing....... I never thought I would be a woman to have to go through something like... THAT word. But here I am almost on the other side of it. 

Since I'm sure you are wondering. I will start from the beginning. 

Lee and I finally decided that it was time to have another baby. So in February of this year, out came my IUD. We thought, oh we will get pregnant in about 4 months, but it was more like 2 months. BAM! I was so excited and so ready to get this show on the road! I happily called my OB and set up my first appointment at 8 weeks. Well, we never made it to that appointment. 

Here comes some inside details of what you go through during a miscarriage. 

The bleeding began. A lot of women actually do bleed some during their first trimester so I didn't begin worrying just yet. You/I go in and give blood. They test your blood and then you go back in 48 hours to give more blood. During this time, I began to cramp. I had lower back pain and I was extremely tired. The doctor called and confirmed that I was in fact having a miscarriage. I go back for the 48 hour blood donation and then...... then it happened...... 

This is what they DON'T tell you! This is what you never think about! This is why I am writing this down and allowing people to read this. 

If you go through a miscarriage on your own, with out any procedure, your body actually goes through labor. Yes LABOR. And what happens when a woman goes through labor?... A baby at the end...right. Well, that is what I went through. 

The part they didn't tell me that makes me ANGRY. It involves the toilet. It's not like I was on a hospital bed. I was sitting on a toilet, scared and not knowing what was really happening and then. The labor was finished. Without going into unsettling details. The only way I can explain this is... 

You flush your bodies waste down the toilet. Even sometimes your dead beta fish... but a baby?? Something that was human..... does NOT belong in the sewer with the rest of the worlds waste. 

Yes, the baby didn't live and something could have been terribly wrong with the embryo BUT it still doesn't belong there. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME THAT PART! I am and was ok with the baby not living. God made our bodies to take care of and handle so much. God had different timing then right now and I am ok with that. I was at peace until this moment. WHAT was I going to do? It obviously looked like the early stage of a baby. It was NOT small. There was a cord. I was NOT prepared to see it. 

i was not prepared

I am writing these words so that maybe someone will read this and BE prepared. I asked the doctor why I wasn't informed and all they could say is "We don't know how each woman is going to take that information, so we don't say." I get that. I really do. But there must be some kind of pamphlet or something out there that would tell you. NOPE. I had to dig for it through the comment sections on blogs. They make all these books about what happens during labor and delivery and the not so pretty side of things. THIS should be included. No one wants to talk about it but I do! I don't want more women to go through total SHOCK. It is hard enough grappling with the fact that your baby is gone but then to actually see it and then have to dispose of it. I am here saying it. I will answer any questions asked. I wanted and needed to be prepared for that.....

I did not allow Lee to see the embryo.

(it could have been a fetus but since I had not gone to the doctor it is unsure exactly how far along I was. I believe I was seven weeks by the size of the embryo. At 8 weeks the embryo becomes a fetus) 

We did bury the embryo and prayed a prayer for the life it could have been. My God knew that sweet baby and he/she is now with God. "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

I do want to say that I am so very thankful that I was not in excruciating pain. Yes, there was pain and discomfort but it was bearable. God took care of me and I am grateful and blessed. I am still waiting to hear if I will have to have a cleanup procedure, but my OB feels that I won't. 

Through all of this, I have become stronger as a mother, as a wife and as a daughter to my Lord.

Please do not worry about my emotional or spiritual status. I am ok and this is not the end. I will not let sorrow or fear keep me from continuing on this journey of conceiving again. It is all up to God, if Lee and I will be blessed with another child. "Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4

I want to share this song with you... 

** Reminder:   I did not write this for sympathy. I wrote this to get my feelings out and to share my experience in hopes that someone will be more prepared for this journey than I was. I am unsure as to why I had to go through this but I am comforted in that it is all apart of something bigger, better, and that gives me peace and security. 

***Update: I do not have to have a D&C!! The Lord is good.