Blessings

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe"

These are lyrics from a song that has been swirling inside my head and heart for the past couple of days. It is a song called, "Blessings" by Laura Story. A sweet friend sent it to me one day and it has been literally following me around since. I was already familiar with the song, but God is choosing to use it to help heal me. I sing along with the words when it comes on my Pandora station but I have never really thought about what the song was saying until recently....

Those words at the top are exactly what I have been doing. 

Praying for wisdom to understand why I, had to go through this traumatic and scary struggle. 

Praying to hear His voice because it seems to be gone/covered up with everything else that is going on.

Definitely crying out in anger. If this is what I have to go through, then help me see a piece of where I am going. What do we/I do next? Speak to me!! 

Praying about another baby. 

Praying about finding the right OB doctor who will really take care of me if we do decide to try again. Someone who will try to prevent. Someone who will be proactive. How was I going to find someone like that?? I thought I had found an OB, but here I am thankful to be alive and well

I don't doubt His love! But I do find it hard sometimes to accept my struggles. 

I have been praying about these things for 3 weeks. I am trying to stay in the word and stay in prayer, even though I don't feel God that closely right now. I know He hears me. 

Until Monday...... 

I decided to NOT follow up with my current OB since she dropped the ball and she didn't preform the surgery anyway. So on to seeing the doctor who did do the surgery. I had an appointment with her Monday. I was nervous and didn't know what to think. I approached the desk to sign in and began talking to the girl about insurance cards and ID and then I heard it. I heard the Laura Story song "Blessings." Where was it coming from? It wasn't being played over a speaker system cause it was so soft. When I realized it was playing, it was on the chorus.... 

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

 I saw that it was coming from an old boombox sitting on the floor and it was for personal use. Then it hit me! God's presence. I was engulfed with his comfort. All my worries just melted away and I was brought to tears. I hurried and finished so that the lady couldn't see my face and rushed and sat down. Sitting here typing it almost brings me to tears. 

What I had been praying for. What I had been yearning for.... overcame me so strongly I hardly could keep it together. As soon as I found a seat, I immediately over heard a conversation that was taking place. It was between a couple and they were discussing being a Christian and what it meant to be one. If the song wasn't enough, God kept going. This WAS the place I was supposed to be in. I needed to cast those worries away and remember that He has got me. I sat there and it felt like when you first step into a warm bath. The warmth covered me, calmed me, and made me relax. Just what I needed. 

The doctor gave me the all clear and told me to be normal. She was encouraging about having another baby and told me that I was FULLY capable of having another one. I was very blessed by my experience in her office and so thankful that God gave me comfort when I needed it. 

Here are some of our blessings recently

Thankful for our new ride! Lillian and I are fully enjoying this! 

Welcome to the family Darla! Our new Boston Terrier puppy

A super fun beach trip! The last time we went to the beach (in May) she wouldn't get near the water on her own. This time..... LOVED it! 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13