The Silver Lining

I'm not sure where to start this.... or what to say..... I am at a total loss for words and the only words I can find are not my own.

Yesterday morning I was being consoled by my OB doctor, yet again, and she said,

"Miranda, your silver lining is that we know your body is capable of having a healthy pregnancy"

Those beautiful words are getting me through these hours and minutes that pass. 

Yes, I have my faith. Yes, I know my God will take care of me. YES, He has better plans for me.

but my heart is still breaking

by now you have come to the conclusion that I was pregnant again. 

This time around was really hard. Lots of pain. Lots of Fear. and total heart break. 

If I am honest.... my spirit is broken. Just broken. I am clinging to everything I can and I know deep in my heart that God is directing my path and that He is taking care of me...... but it is HARD. 

Tuesday night I ended up in the ER with extreme pain. Pain that I have NEVER felt before. Pain that literally took my breath away. The worst pain??? It came from the doctor saying, 

"We can't find your baby." 

Wait.... what?? You can't find my baby? Maybe it is too small to find yet. I wasn't bleeding. This didn't appear to be a miscarriage. So where is it? 

The doctor ruled out that my life was in danger and told me to immediately call my OB in the morning for a follow up.

During this entire time of being pregnant, I have had pain. First it started off as discomfort in my abdomen on my right side. Then it moved to my lower back, still on my right side. Every day it seemed the discomfort was turning more into pain. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even pee without pain. My OB was checking my HCG levels, since I just had a miscarriage, and everything looked fine. I decided that I would deal with the pain as long as the baby is doing good. That changed the night of the ER visit. I wanted the pain to STOP! I believe I had a cyst burst that was located on my right ovary. The pain didn't end there though. It continued..... 

My levels were checked again then the bad news started pouring in. It felt hard to breath. It came over me like hot water out of the garden hose. It should feel good and cool but instead heavy and uncomfortable. 

Your hormone levels didn't increase properly. My progesterone (important) fell a huge amount.

You are having an Ectopic Pregnancy

The baby was not in my womb (uterus) it is somewhere else. Most likely in my fallopian tube. On my right side. 

You want to know the gut-wrenching part..........

We went for a second opinion after the ER visit to a new OB doctor. That doctor did an ultrasound and showed us what looked to be a gestational sac (baby) IN my uterus. Then, 2 days later, went in to my original OB and had another ultrasound and saw NOTHING. This whole time I have NOT been bleeding either. But the pain always consistent.  Emotional roller coaster. I tell ya. 

This now brings us to yesterday morning. My baby is in my tube. It is incredibly life threatening if the pregnancy continues. Lee and I made the decision, with our OB, to dissolve the pregnancy. I take a shot of Methotrexate, a form of chemotherapy for cancer patients, to end this journey. 

As I am typing this, I am reminded that I have been blessed. The two outcomes from my last two pregnancies could have been worse, even life threatening, and yet here I am. My God does take care of me and I am forever grateful! His presence is with me and has overcome me while I have been writing this. This post has been like therapy to me and is helping me to see the bigger picture and realize the little things that are blessings in disguise. 

Again this is not a post for sympathy. This is a place for me to write our family's stories. 

Next post I promise will be more about the happy things in life! Really! Promise! 

I am going to start typing it right now

ps: this does not include all the things that happened. this is the majority. if you have any questions, i am always available to answer. thank you for reading